Neglecting my blog again

i really need to get better at this. :( Not a whole lot has happened since May, perhaps that is why i haven't been writing. Things have settled down with the house for the most part. We have had a couple more floods but for the most part, it is ok. We are having car trouble, both our vehicles require a good bit of work and the parts aren't cheap, i figure we won't have much of a Christmas because of everything. That doesn't even bother me. Not sure why. Normally i would be heartbroken over not being able to buy anything for my kids but now i just feel numb.

The kids started public school one month ago and are doing ok. They are a little slow to adjust but they are learning and doing better. We started the process to get Kevin into speech therapy, still need to work on getting Cameron into special ed. classes so he can get some more help. He is improving but is still very behind.

i guess that is it for now. Hopefully i will be back in the near future to write again :D If i can remember lol.

A new baby

Finally some calm after the storm that has been life for the last year or so....i got an early birthday present from Robert; a sweet little puppy. We named him Loki since we have Thor and they are adopted brothers :) i think it fits.

Motivation

i am having the hardest time finding the motivation to finish putting this house together. It has taken so long and with all the problems we have come across along the way, i just don't want to deal with it anymore. Of course that gets me more depressed cause it's still not done. i got the main living areas finished (mostly) and i am completely burned out. i wish i could just stay in bed or glued to the couch. i think i need to go back to making up daily goals for myself, it helped me get things done before so maybe it will help this time around too.

Thor, emily and charlie

Thor, emily and charlie, a photo by elaine.pepsicola81 on Flickr.

My dogs and my baby girl <3 Everyone is so happy that we have our own space again.

Lots of thanks to my sweet sister for getting my kids their Easter baskets and filling this year. I wasn't able to get them myself.

Lots of thanks to my sweet sister for getting my kids their Easter baskets and filling this year. I wasn't able to get them myself., a photo by elaine.pepsicola81 on Flickr.

Thanks*

Is it possible to be sad and happy at the same time? i am so very sad that we are selling everything that will fetch more than 20 dollars, including gifts that we had got for the kids. i am sad that we are running up the credit cards that we just paid down, just so we can eat. i am sad that my husband has to work 6 days a week, 12-16 hours a day just so that we can barely get by.

i am happy that through all these struggles and the sacrifices we have made, Robert and i are closer than ever. We have been through so much in the 11 years we have been together, the last 2 years have by far been the most difficult. Instead of tearing us apart, we are so much stronger and i am thankful for that. i am happy that Robert likes his job, it makes it so much easier to deal with him having to work so much. i am happy that our children are doing better every day. i have hid most of our troubles from them but of course they know that something is up when we keep selling our stuff and it just melts my heart when my little girl gives me her dollar she has been saving and tells me i can use it to buy food for us. i am so happy that my sweet boy Kevin is doing so much better since we got back into our own place again. His stuttering was getting so bad and now it is back to just a little bit here and there; i am sure now that his stuttering is because of stress which i think is easier to treat. Even Cameron is acting happier than i have seen him since we had to leave Fallon.
i am happy that i have a little sister who is always willing to help me if she can and gives her full support, never judging what i have to do in order to make it and never judging the mistakes i have made to get to where i am now. 

My constant companion. Love this guy.

My constant companion. Love this guy., a photo by elaine.pepsicola81 on Flickr.

So Angry

Just when i was starting to feel good about everything. We have working water, toilet, and AC and i was making progress on the cleaning and unpacking. i got every single kitchen box emptied and i am missing about half of my dishes/cook wear. i am livid.

 The movers packed everything. We did the final walk through of the old house, nothing was left behind that we didn't plan to take with us. So somewhere between our stuff leaving NV and going to AZ, both transit and sitting in multiple storage houses, a bunch of our stuff disappeared. Most of our fish stuff is gone too so if we want to get our fish tank running again, we have to replace a lot of the stuff. i still have not found Kevin's camera, i have 1 more box to empty of the kids' stuff. i really hope i come across it. He is constantly asking if i found it yet.

They didn't do a proper inventory, i knew about that but didn't think it would be a big deal. i thought they had noted the number of boxes at least, even if they didn't exactly inventory the contents. i swear, no one will ever touch my stuff again. i didn't want to use them to begin with but we needed the navy to pay for our move cause we couldn't afford to do it ourselves. i will never recommend anyone to use a moving company. Both times we have had to use them it has been the worst experience ever.

i would say this gives me a great excuse to go shopping. But sadly we can't afford that. :(  i guess i better get back to work.

Disappointed and sad

i have had a yellow ribbon USS Dwight D. Eisenhower magnet on my van since Robert went on his first deployment aboard the ship. It has been on my van for 5 years, i had no plans of removing it even though Robert is no longer in the navy. i just went out to my van to move it and noticed that my magnet is gone. :( i am so sad that someone would take it. Why? would you take a magnet supporting the military? Or any magnet for that matter. i am seriously in tears over this.

Interesting essays

Broken Toys

 i came across this website a few years ago. i still enjoy reading the essays about ptsd and bipolar disorder and being submissive. So much of the time i do feel broken, it is nice to know i am not the only one. 

It feels like home...

The little things in life

i was unpacking and came across a super soaker that we had got for the kids last summer that never got used. The kids were all outside playing so i filled up the water gun and went outside to get the kids. It was a nice break to play and laugh with my kids. i feel like it has been forever since i have just had fun with them and not worried about all the depressing stuff going on in our lives. It was a wonderful break we all needed; especially me. i have had a horrible time putting on the brave face for my kids. i don't like them to know how much we are struggling. i know nothing will ever be as it was again but i am optimistic that we can make this work. i have to be.

It never ends

Wow, the only posts i have been making are to complain. Oh well, it helps to be able to vent a little and i don't want to actually talk to anyone about it.

So last night i completely lost it and went into a full blown panic attack. We still don't have heat or AC but our water and sewage seems to have finally been fixed after we went a day and a half without a toilet. i went to start a load of laundry and my washer wouldn't work. It is relatively new, we have only had it for a few years and it has been in storage for 7 months of that. That was my breaking point, i can't take anything else going wrong right now. i just need a break. Can't i have a week or 2 without something going horribly wrong with this house or our cars? Please?!?

The kids are great. They have been so good, staying out of the workers' way and basically spending most of their time in their rooms unpacking and cleaning.

Yesterday the cops stopped by to inform me that the city issues an ordinance saying that everyone in my neighborhood has 1 month to clean up their yards or they would be forced to move because their homes would be condemned and torn down. We don't really have that much in our yard, a lot of weeds that need to go and a ton of boxes. They will be putting dumpsters out for everyone to use so that will be nice.

i suppose i better get back to work. The living room is nearly finished then i will be working on the dining room/kitchen to get that finished. For the most part i jump around all over the place but it is nice that at least one room is starting to get finished. This is all so overwhelming. Robert has been fantastic. He is the only one keeping me from going completely insane here. At least we have each other and we have a roof over our heads. For now anyways.

breaking point

i really don't know how much more of this i can take. The heat is still not working. Our water finally got turned back on and now it has to be turned off again to fix the sewage pipes that are backed up. i am sitting on the floor almost in tears because of this house. i am still trying to unpack, clean and organize this house and make it somewhat normal for my kids but it is a huge struggle. i really need to get in to see a doctor and get back on my meds, even if Robert doesn't like them, i need them.

Pink; Try

Heartbroken

Robert and i have been under so much stress for so long it finally blew up and we got into a huge fight. i had my keys in my hand and when he grabbed me i hit him with the keys. His arm is cut up pretty good and swollen. i feel so ashamed. i didn't even realize what i was doing until it was already done. He is very understanding and is ok with it but i thought i would be past this by now. i hate my flashbacks. i hate that i hurt my husband because of the flashbacks. This wasn't the first time i hurt him because i had a flashback and thought i was in danger, it probably won't be the last. It just breaks my heart that i hurt him. :(

If it's not one thing, it's something else

i am seriously going crazy in this house. The gas got turned on finally but the heater won't work so we are still freezing. Our water pipes keep breaking and leaving us without any running water. Our water line to the washer doesn't work so even though i have my washer and dryer back, i still have to go to the laundry mat to do my wash. As soon as we fix one thing, something else breaks or the stuff that was already fixed breaks again.

i am trying so hard to stay positive and keep doing what i need to do but it is getting really difficult. No matter how hard we work and how much money we lose on this house, it just keeps laughing in our faces and more goes wrong.

i just want to get finished cleaning and unpacking so we can get back to trying to live a normal life. i am getting to the point of just wanting to give up. It doesn't matter what i do, everything just gets worse. Robert mentioned taking the last of our savings and getting a lawyer to sue the owner.

The happy Thor

The happy Thor, a photo by elaine.pepsicola81 on Flickr.

So happy to be a family again, in our own home. It's so much work trying to get moved in and everything working but so worth it. My kids are happy, my dogs are happy. <3

our new house

P1020202 a video by elaine.pepsicola81 on Flickr.

Finally found a place to live. It's not perfect but i know i can make it work.

Relief

We didn't get the house we had thought we were going to move into but i did find a place for us that will work for now. It is better than our other options. We move in this weekend. It is a relief to not have this looming over my head.

Acceptance

Here it is my little girl's birthday and i am still stressing over where we are going to live. Tomorrow i will be packing up what we have at my sister's house and then we will be going to a hotel and will probably stay there through the weekend. If i don't hear from the lady that owns the house in town by the end of the day today, we will go for the house in the mountains. It is not what i imagined we would be living in but i know i can make it a home. i will get some video monitors so that i can see and talk to the kids while we are in separate houses. i can make it work. i need to make it work.

i am still holding out hope that we will get the house we want but i will take what i can get.

Frustrated

i am so frustrated. We had a place we were supposed to move into but the lady who owns the house is acting shady so now i am searching for another place for us to live. i am emotionally exhausted. We have until Friday to be out of my sister's house and it is just beyond stressful. i really like the house we are supposed to be moving into, i don't want to be looking elsewhere. We looked at a house in the mountains yesterday and we will take it if we have to but i really don't want to. The area is nice, i love the mountains but the house is really old and run down and the main bedroom is separated from the house. i really don't like the idea of being away from my children. Then there is the wild life, bears, mountain lions, wild boars, skunks, etc.

:(  i just want this to be over.

Boundin'

i love this song/video. i definitely needed it right now to remind me that even when you're down, you can turn it around again.

Rihanna - Umbrella (Orange Version) ft. JAY-Z

A late party

Emily will be 6 years old on the 27th of February. Due to us moving and my sister going on vacation the first week of March we are putting her party off until we are settled into the new place. i am hoping all the adults can put our differences aside for a short while and let the kids enjoy a birthday party. We'll see. I really don't want to have separate parties just so everyone can participate.

A new beginning

Tonight i went to see the house we will be moving into on March first. It is in a good neighborhood, right next to the fair grounds. i would have been happy with 4 walls and a roof so the few things i don't find that great about the place really don't matter and it's nothing major. There isn't a dish washer and the washer/dryer hookups are at opposite ends of the house but aside from that, it is really nice.

i am so excited to move in. i have never been so happy to move before, it was always a chore that had to be done. Now, i am over joyed and can't wait to make it ours. The house has a good size yard in the back with a shed, 3 large bedrooms, 1.5 bath, a spare room that was converted from the garage, and tiles everywhere but the bedrooms. i love it. It has a small kitchen which would normally get me down but i don't even care. i like it, it's cozy.

As difficult as it has been for the past 7 months, i am kind of happy that i went through it. i feel better now about stuff that would normally bug me. It was really very humbling and i am so thankful for everything that we have and are able to get. i definitely have a much more positive outlook on life. i am so thankful for all the help that i have received along the way.

The only thing that really makes me sad is that i think i sheltered the kids from all this a little too much. They still don't understand that our income is a quarter of what it used to be and things will never be the way they were before. They think someone is giving us a house; um no, we have to pay for it. They think that if they want something i should just go to the bank, get money and buy it for them. i don't think they should know about every little detail about our finances but they should be able to understand that nothing is free and we have to work hard for what we get, i can't buy everything they want.

Katy Perry - Wide Awake

So loved

So loved, a photo by elaine.pepsicola81 on Flickr.

My Valentine's day gifts.

Highlight of my night

Cleaning up after a sick child and almost losing my dinner several times. So much fun.

Lower case i

When referring to myself i use the lower case letter because it is a show of submission to my Husband/Master. He gets a capital letter because he is the top, i get lower case because i am bottom. Just wanted to clarify that it is done on purpose. :)

A time for change

Life Choices: Putting the Pieces Together by Moreo, Judi/ Goodwin, Bea (Google Affiliate Ad)

 i have never been good at keeping up with this blog and even forgot about it for a long while. Today i am making changes to the layout, title, and what the content will be. This blog will become a journal of sorts for me to work on my therapy and get my emotions and anger out in the open so i can finally heal.

The original direction for this blog was to keep it "vanilla", however, i am done hiding. i will keep my blog rated G, but i won't be censoring myself anymore in concern to the type of marriage that i have.